hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
