id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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