I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
