also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
