I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Sober January is a disaster.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
