Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
