I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
