broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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