Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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