from now on my penis is your penis
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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