I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
