My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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