Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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