Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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