i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
