11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
