I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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