quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
