three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
