Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
