I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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