Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
