When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
