There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
