She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
