oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
