I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
