My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
