I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
