Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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