He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
pop tarts are not kleenex
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
