Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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