just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
