Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
