ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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