I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
