remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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