this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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