toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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