john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
