There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
