made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
