she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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