ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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