U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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