apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
