If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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