I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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