that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
