so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
