Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
