The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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