i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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